Every once in a while, I think about my life before I learned how to ground, run energy, and clear my space, and how I made choices then. A predominant emotion usually guided decision-making, or a lot of mental processing of weighing the pros and cons. One of the bigger decisions before learning how to meditate was to marry. I was 23. Another big decision was to have a baby when I was 31. For each of these, a swirl of emotions, including excitement and fear, combined with rationalization and curiosity led the way.
Many family events were astir when I met my soon-to-be-husband. My father had had an affair, and my parents were heading toward divorce after 30 years of an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage. My older sister was soon to be married because she was pregnant, my older brother would follow suit a year and a half later. I met Mike where we worked at a gourmet deli and wine store. I did not have a car and frequently asked co-workers for a ride home. Mike obliged quite often as we worked the same schedule. I liked him. He was kind and funny. He was also working on his degree in Political Science, owned a car, and lived on his own. In the midst of all of my family drama, he was safe. I was nearing graduation for my own degree in Music, and did not know what my next steps would be. Mike and I dated and within three months, we were engaged, and married a year later. Any reservations I had about not feeling heard or seen for who I was becoming, any niggling caution to ‘wait a second’ was shoved down. I chose stability and the safety I saw in a life with Mike. I heard the voice of my intuition, but I did not have anyone to check in with about that, so I ignored it as best I could.
We attended counseling within the first year to learn how to talk to each other without allowing our mutual sarcasm to escalate into arguments. And during the ensuing nine years, we supported each other through three master’s degrees. In the last year of my second master’s, we decided to have a baby. I felt pressure from my family once again (my sister now had two children, my older brother, the same, and even my younger brother had married and his wife was about to have their first). Despite feeling ambivalent and uncertain about my ability to love a baby especially since I did not hold many childhood memories of feeling validated or seen, I was afraid I would miss out on something profound. We were not a close-knit family, but having a child would allow me to have something common with all of them. This decision also felt more right than getting married had; my knowing whispered through a crack of my awareness and I listened. Years later, when I was taking Clairvoyant classes, one of my teachers said that I brought my son in for healing this lifetime, which further vindicated my choice to become pregnant and bring a child into this world. I could heal, I could love unswervingly, steadfastly, and make him feel safe and seen.
Full-time attention on caring for our son forced the unexpected outcome of me facing my unmet needs of being seen and heard by Mike. We went back to counseling again, but I knew the relationship was over. He wanted to go through the motions of being together, and very few in my life understood about my desire to leave. My mother, who had had a similar relationship with my father, told me that she had gotten used to it (and that I should, too). I witnessed all of those dynamics and did not want my son growing up in the same environment. Distress and pain had given way and I was ready to listen to my knowing and discover how it could find the light of day.
Fortunately, in my adventures of obtaining two master’s degrees, I connected with friends who could see and hear me. They gifted me with an astrology reading for my 34 th birthday. Among all of the things the astrologer told
me, she said that I was highly intuitive and should explore this. I began classes in clairvoyance and in doing so, I finally felt a sense of home.
Fear still appears accompanied by a reflex to respond to it, go toward it, and make decisions based upon it, but I now have the added toolset to close my eyes, ground, run energy, and return to my inner knowing, and to check in with what that information shows. I have connections to others who are willing to read and heal me and have me read and heal them, providing the constancy of that reflection about what I am really up to, and what my next steps look like. The meditation tools saved me from a disingenuous, hollow existence, and guided me toward my authentic self, not a self bunted around by others’ expectations, or my fears of missing out, or the pursuit of false connections. I am grateful for the gifts of seeing and knowing. They have opened doors toward freedom, a life rich with creativity and design of my making.